I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I would ride that face into the sunset
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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