My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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