M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i think i have two assholes
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
