So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
