Your face is a jimmy john
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
