just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
