i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
