so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i drank out of a bidet.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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