It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
