Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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