I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Randomize
