omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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