I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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