No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
