maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
