I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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