Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
