Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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