i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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