I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
