everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
