toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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