Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
