went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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