Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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