I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
