I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
