His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
