apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
