When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
