woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
How does it feel to date your dad?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
