i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I smell like Dick and happiness
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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