My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
