one might say we're banned from that church
I am spending my child support on dildos
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
