hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
