i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
