Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
...so i touched it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
