I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
