i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
