someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
