when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
