Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
