apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
