hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
