Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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