If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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