i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
