i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
