Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
