Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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